"Warning, this product....."

It has recently occurred to me that I have a thing for labels, and apparently this has gone on for some time, although I have kept it closeted ever since that time I cut out all the labels of my first college roommate's clothes because I couldn't stand for one INSTANT longer her Greenwich, Connecticut snasal (sneering with nasality) bantering about which Neidless Marcup she purchased this or that sweater from for her evening out with her oh, I don't know, ghastly date with the cardigan half-tied around his neck, which he could wear fearlessly knowing that they don't let people like me into Greenwich, cuz I'd freakin' finish the job and pull that knot good-n-tight.....

ANYWAY,  I bought a package of Tillamook cheese the other day (no, this was not from the factory, which I visited about a week ago en route from Portland to San Diego) and to my delight and laughter, there in the shape of a gold sunburst beckoning my approval, was the "No Artificial Growth Hormones".  I think the gold sunburst was so they didn't have to put the exclamation point on the end, which may have caused me to pee myself right there in the cheese section of Costco....thank God it's right next to the industrial supplies of toilet paper, paper towels, and plug-in air fresheners...

When I was in Norway this year, I vividly recall myself standing in the aisle of the Meny store, poring over the labels on packages of chicken (this is before I went mostly veggie) and eggs until someone began to read them to me in English, supposing that I was trying to understand them.  No, I said, I was looking for the label that said these were free-range, organic chickens or eggs...

....Like this one, like the ones we have here....where the chickens can play as they wish!  Our neighbors have chickens, and I saw them playing tag, smear the steer, and hide-and-seek (big Easter Day favorite)...right there in their front yard!  Anyway, the kindly person, who looks EXACTLY like my cousin with a voice EXACTLY like hers told me that duh, ALL the chickens are free range, and the eggs are from free range chickens.  How else would it be?  And I go, DUH, have you ever seen how food for countries with populations of more than 5,000 people is raised?  

What struck me as so funny about this label, and many others these days, is the increasing frequency of their letting me know what these foods do NOT contain.  No artificial growth hormones?  Whew!  Never even knew that stuff may have been in there....wait a MINUTE...what ELSE are they not telling me?  

Wrigley's Spearmint Gum!  Now, free of used-condums!
Coca-Cola!  Cocaine-free!  (I think that one's for real)

I am noticing a lot about labels these days, and how ubiquitous they are in just about all we do and even in how we think about ourselves.  Why, just the other day, I learned on the evening news that today was labeled with an "Excessive Heat Warning".   Thank god for THAT label, because I would have had NO freakin' idea why my nostril hairs were all singed.    

Labels are a lot like a language.  They inform.  They warn.  They beckon.  They communicate.  They categorize.  They cause us limit our true experience of a "thing" because we label "it" and then react to the the "it".  Labels like:  black, white, menopause, middle age, senile, artistic, athletic, homey, politician, statesman, intellectual, etc. etc.....

I'm still amused by them, and I like to think about what emotion they cause me to feel when I say them or read them...

 This one first makes me laugh out loud.  Then it makes me think of politics, of social policies, of rampant obesity in children, ...and it also reminds me of the snack boxes during study hall in the Norwegian school I visited, where they just bring in a crate of apples or carrots.  You know, real food with no labels on them because you are holding the real food in your hand.

This one is from one of our dogs' bag of treats.  With "real beef" as opposed to that fake monkey-ass they try to slip in there.  

Here's one for the school kids.  Too bad it's for dog food!

Well, I better get to the gym.  After all, I have to make sure I continue to live up to my new label as a hottie, and I don't mean because I'm middle aged and going through the 'pause!